This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
