she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I have vodka in my lungs
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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