One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
