I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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