dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
