somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
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