Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
