Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
