Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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