id be glad to
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
