I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
