I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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