and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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