You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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