dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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