what day is it and did you see me today?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
