We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
