I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize