I'm drive I can fine osifer
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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