Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
