I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
