yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
