You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
