she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
