How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize