Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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