one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
