I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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