i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think I just sharted jello shots
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
