In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
