i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
