I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
