listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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