Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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