So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
