READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
