i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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