I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize