They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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