We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
