Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
