I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
