you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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