He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize