guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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