not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
