I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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