tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
