WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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