I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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