You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
pray to the hookup gods
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
