The maid of honor just puked.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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