my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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