im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
