O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
