she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
