why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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