Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
