She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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