I'm gonna have a badass scar
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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