I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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