Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize